Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

People who are in abusive relationships are frequently asked the question, “Why don’t you just leave?” The truth is that it usually isn’t that easy at all. The very nature of domestic violence is such that it becomes deeply engrained into all aspects of a victim’s life, which often leads to other issues such as social isolation and economic dependence on the batterer. Listed below are some examples of the barriers of leaving an abusive relationship.

• Lack of Financial Resources – The victim simply may not have access to money. They may have been prevented from working, or if employed, were made to hand over their earnings to the batterer. Even if the family has significant financial resources, the abuser may control all of the finances, not allowing the victim to have access to bank accounts, etc. For many female victims who do have an income, it is still not enough to support themselves and their children.


• Lack of a Support Network – Because isolation is such a large part of abuse, the victim may not have supportive friends and family to turn to, or if there is support, it may not be safe to go there because the batterer may have access to weapons and know where the friends and family live. In addition, the victim may not know about crisis line phone numbers or supportive community resources, or it is also possible that domestic violence shelters are fully occupied.


• Threats of Murder – In many, but not all, abusive relationships, batterers resort to physical violence, which may include threats and intimidation. In fact, the risk of homicide increases when a victim leaves an abusive relationship. Fear of death or serious injury is a very real and serious issue. An abuser may also threaten to commit suicide or harm others (i.e. the children).


• Social Stigma – There is a social stigma associated with being a victim of domestic violence, as well as with being divorced or a single parent. The shame created by these stigmas often makes it difficult for victims to reach out for help. Victims are sometimes blamed for the abuse or told that they deserved it, which creates additional barriers to leaving.


• Threats of ’Outing’ the Victim – Homophobia is widespread in our society and homosexuals suffer from many kinds of discrimination, which causes those who have not publicly admitted their sexual orientation fear doing so. In same-sex relationships the abusive partner may threaten to expose their partner’s sexuality to others, which may cause the victim to lose their support system, friends, family, job, etc.


• Religious Beliefs – Depending on how religious texts are interpreted, many religions can be used to support both liberation from abuse AND a husband’s control over his wife. Batterers may quote religious text to justify abuse. Click Here for more information on Religion and Domestic Violence.


• Immigration Issues – A batterer may choose to not file for the partner’s US citizenship, to withdraw already filed papers, or threaten to report them to the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). Batterers might create language barriers by isolating the victim from people who speak their language, or preventing them from learning English. As a result, victims may not know how or where to seek help.


• Victim Blaming – A very common dynamic of domestic violence is minimizing the seriousness of the abuse, denying abuse is happening, and blaming the victim for the abuse. Outsiders may comment that the victim deserved the abuse, but many victims also think that the abuse is their own fault; that the abuse is caused by something they do to anger the abuser.


• Keeping the Family Together – Victims often believe that it is in the children’s best interest to keep the family together, especially when the children are not being physically abused. Many also fear losing custody and not being able to protect the children. But witnessing DV is often more traumatizing for children than a divorce or separation. Please click Here for more information about Domestic Violence and the Effects on Children.